Econs NEXT.... but who cares?

Who am I ­that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Who am I that you would speak to me so softly
My conversation with the love most high...

...who am I

I couldn study much Econs today.. nor have I been studying much for the past few days either...

The day comes like a looming threat towards me...

But I'm not afraid... cause this time... I know what is my goal in life...

I do not live my life for myself, its for Him!

You are the centre of it all

The universe declares it all...

Your Majesty I surrender it all..

I WILL make you the centre of my life..

Your Majesty... My life will sing Your song...

I sound so different from what I would say last time.. haha!

Well then.. I'm changed... what can I say? lolz

Btw.. Raziel for your information is the Angel of Wisdom, who fought against the hordes of darkness according to greek mythology...

haha.. but I know that I am worth much higher then an angel in God's eyes..

Angels are God's servents..

I am God's child...

Who is bigger huh? LoLz

ME!

Thanks Pop!

CiaoZ

Quiz Quiz Quiz!!

You hide behind The Beauty Mask, you like to look
perfect in everybody's eyes, you like people to
envy what you have, you don't like to analyize
things you just take them the way they are,
that's why some people might say you are
irrational and shallow, but you like your life
this way, you don't like to ask for help, you
have a lot of friends but you feel that no one
is a true pal.


What kind of masks you hide behind? (i added pix)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are sad because of your fear


Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people
brought to you by Quizilla

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Your dating personality profile:

Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active.
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Athletic
2. Liberal
3. Religious
4. Big-Hearted
5. Adventurous
6. Stylish
7. Sensual
8. Outgoing
9. Wealthy/Ambitious
10. Practical


Your date match profile:

Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape.
Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship.


P.S. haha.. I did this in a personality dating quiz somewhere... Lost the link though..

Things to see in the MRT!

It is interesting to observe the people in the MRT as you're going back home...
Other then counting the seconds and snapping your fingers when the door open or closes, you get to meet people from all "walks" of life...

Like this women who was wearing a g-string far too tight for her own good... Literally causing her already overbearing tummy to spill over her centre line... why doesn't somebody just tell her how to wear that stuff properly?
Her unique style of wearing that undergarment also highlighted her butt... NOT in the positive way of course...
Eekz.... it was like... You can see the butt protruding out... I'll spare ya the details.. she looked hidiously crooked...

Plus plus plus!!! Your interesting field of vision is not limited to improperly worn g-strings but also car buying monks!!
As the MRT passed by the Mercedes building, I saw a monk (yes... A MONK) chatting nicely with a car agent in the building and pointing to the car....
And what was even better that he got into the car and pretended to drive it!
uhhh...
What happened to all those stuff about attaining enlightenment through "release" from the world to get to nirvana....

well... There are always people out there that corrupt the image of religions all over the world...
it is just wierd when nobody actually tells them off...

and and and and... (I was simultaneously typing this while a peculiar channel 8 show was being aired...) a chinese drama serial where a girl changes her identity to a guy, in order to save his ass...
HOWEVER... when she CHANGES her identity to become a guy, she still has THICK LIPSTICK, PODRE FOUNDATION, and I'm sure she has Christian Dior sprayed all over her too..
and the dumb thing is nobody can tell that she is a women.... I'm like omg... they must be having some form of mental incapacity...



Anywayz... IPRA is over.... O-V-E-R!!
Bah.. It sucked anywayz... I couldn do like 15 marks... FIFTEEN MARKS DOWN THE DRAIN ANDREW!!!
It mocks me...

BUT... I did study... so ah well... They can mock me for all they care...

Next up ECONOMICS...
Dee Dreaded Economics... I've been doing pretty well for all the tests.. hope I can keep it up in the examinations....

sigh... away from the books...
I've decided that I would start my own business when I've all grown up...
After poly, I'll get start off by joining an advertising firm... then once I've gained enough experiance.. let say.. in 5 years or so...
I'll use all the capital I have (if enough) to start my own freelance advertising firm... while working part time at the company first...

Ha.. then I'll try to get investors of form a partnership to merge and become an even bigger advertising company...
Lolz! I may even be able to compete against JC Decaux and Adlancer....


well... Its just a dream...

Dream on Andrew!
I think it'll take alota determination for me to doo dat...
But ah well..

alls well that ends well...
Ciaoz!

Everything to Me

Cold... Quiet day...
The termos reads 24 degrees in my house now... It feels like its air conditioned... just that it feels much nicer then air con...
Soft music playing around in the wind...

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Avalon - Everything To Me

I grew up in sunday school
I memorized the Golden rule
And how Jesus came to set the sinner free
I know the story inside out
I can tell you all about
The path that led Him up to Calvary
But ask me why He loves me
And I don't know what to say
But i'll never be the same
Because he changed my life when He became...

Everything to me
He's more than a story
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything, everything to me

We're living in uncertain times
And more and more I find that i'm aware
Of just how fragile life can be
I want to tell the world I found
A love that turned my life around
They need to know that they can taste and see
Now everyday I'm praying
Just to give my heart away
I want live for Jesus
So that someone else might see that he is...

Everything to me
He's more than a story
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything
And looking back over my life at the end
I'll go to meet you saying you've been...

You're everything to me
You're more than a story
More than words on a page of history
You're everything to me
You're more than a story
More than words on a page of history
You're the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
You're everything to me
Lord, you're everything to me

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He's everything to me.. More then a story...

Studying IPRA... I'm so unsure how to study Public Relations section... haiz...
My mind is now as frozen as the outside of my window...

So much to do.. I just feel so wierdly calm...

Reaching for the stars and PARTY!!

Reach for the stars...
Even if you dont make it that far, at least you'll have crossed the sky! =D

- quoted from Ms Norlinda, Henderson Secondary School HOD Humanities

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Yeah.... I should be contented with what I have...
Why am I filled with frustration when there are people who need help around me but are still putting on a brave front?

IPRA - Introduction to Public Relations and Advertising...
Its one of the most vague(-st) modules/subject that I've ever taken.... (excluding the all-important IDEAS module and of course the... ermz... CD module...)

I'm like reading the textbook for the fourth time, yet I do not know what do I have to write for the first 3 questions...
Arrgh... the problems with falling asleep during lectures... I didnt copy the PR section of the notes.. now I'm like stuck with only advertising.... bah-humbag

Xiaxue wrote on her blog about the lalalaPOM and lalalaBOM.blogspot.com incidents... haha... she can be really sweet if she wants too... but well.. I still hate her for her self-righteous attitude...

Laziness is a virtue... especially if you're too stress.. Just sit behind a window, 25 storey high and let your imagination run wild... Today is such a nice day...
Everything is so calm and nice...
There are less then 20 noisy vehicles that I can see from my window, which just might be a record on a Sunday afternoon.. =P

Haha... my church friends are soooo sweet.. they want to organize a birthday party for me for my 18th birthday along with my family...
Its going to be held on the 1st of May and EVERYBODY is invited!! I mean E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y!!
Haha... I think its going to be a chalet from the 1st to the 3rd of May, then from there, I'll go to May's chalet on the 3rd to 7th (I think... ) of May!

(note: I really mean EVERYBODY)

So cool! 5 days of FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!!!!

And even better! I think it would be at downtown east!
LOLzzzz.. But East Coast also not bad bah... can race with Timothy - Bike against Blade...
haha...


Whats more... my bro says that he will pay for ALL my friends!!! weee~~!!

hmmz...

God is great... hahaz... Even in trying times, His blessings upon me shines through...

I love my friends...

I really do...

I think I'm suffering from BPD.... no joke.

Definition

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases. Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations. Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms
While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes toward family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all.

Most people can tolerate ambivalence where they experience two contradictory states at one time. People with BPD, however, shift back and forth to a good or a bad state. If they are in a bad state, for example, they have no awareness of the good state.

Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to mild separations. Even a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans can spur negative thoughts. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

Faith, Trembling............

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

And You told me who I am..... I am Yours


This song echoes through my soul... I pray that one day.. my sole motivation for doing anything in life would be for His glory...

Was talking with my bro today about recent events.... friendships and studies... all these while waiting for my parents to return at the airport....
Though I talked with him and told him alot of stuff..... he reciprocated with many unconstructive comments...
haiz...

Its during these trying times when I want to return to the AJ community... To return to a group of guys who actually understand what I'm going through and how I'm feeling... People who won't reject me for my past...

A leopard never change his spots.... That was the message that he kept sending to me... though he never said out the actual phrase itself..

So am I an AJ for life?.... I need somebody whom I can relate to badly now... I've lost almost all trust in straight guys...
and I've excommunicated myself from the AJ society...
I feel like I'm dead now... Trapped between Heaven and Hell... Nowhere to go.... because nobody wants me...

I feel so unwanted...

Ever since the recent incident, I've become so self conscious about my actions that I resort to doing stuff that I feel uncomfortable doing... Should I conform to the world in showing that I act like a straight guy?
It is going to be my own undoing...

One thing that my brother told me that struck a chord in me very strongly was :
"You never know. Maybe God wants to show that the servent who lives the type of life that is pleasing to Him would be blessed and on the other hand, the servent that cant live up to His expectation will be downcasted and in some ways cursed.
It is not how much effort you put in, as everything is in God's hands... It is His will and what He choose to glorify Himself."

If that is so... I am serving a rather cruel god...

Why do I try so hard to please Him then... knowing that I wil never have the abilities to glorify Him?...
Thus... since I am unable to glorify Him... I guess... He must be using me as an example to show others that "this is the type of life that I dont want you to follow"....

I got so pissed off after talking for awhile to my brother that I stormed off to sit by myself...
Straight guys can NEVER. I mean NEVER comprehend what homosexuals go through....
Especially when they are trying hard to change...

Not a single word of encouragement from anybody close...
Not a single word of praise from anybody close...
Not a single word of acknowledgement from anybody close...

I know that it seems shallow if I base it on these 3 factors... but or course its a whole lot more...
I jus want to know that people know the struggle that I go through... that it is not easy changing...
That I'm trying so hard now... and yet people keep pushing me down...

There are so few people that I can talk to or dare talk to openly now....
Every night.. I will sit on my bed and look at the night sky...
And wonder... if somewhere out there.... God actually is smiling at me and encouraging me to go on with this decision that I made in life...

Cos... nobody is...........